and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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