K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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