I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
