Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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