the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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