I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
