your parents love me but you hate me
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
