my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
