I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
