Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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