im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
