You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I could make wine with my vomit
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
