is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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