So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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