Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
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