the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize