Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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