You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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