DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
3pm strippers are depressing
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
