He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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