That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
