You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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