$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Randomize
