if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
