Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
