May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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