I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
