Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
