I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
