I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
