Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
