so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize