It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
