dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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