Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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