I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Hello my rib-scented angel!
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Randomize
