i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
