I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
