Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Acid is not a monday night drug
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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