Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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