So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
