hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
