Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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