What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Randomize
