I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
