WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
