If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
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