Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
