Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize