Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
