omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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