You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
