Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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