You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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