Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
