I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
