The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
