I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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