I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
