And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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