I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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