We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
