I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
